


A Life of Slices

by Eikaron



Category: RWBY
Genre: Adultery, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Annoying Students, Early canon typical crack-adjacent, Family, Gen, Human Disaster Qrow, Humour, I feel like most of these tags can be summed up as 'Qrow', Implied Casual Sex, Nothing graphic for any of it it's mostly humourous, Original Characters - Freeform, Pre-Series, Qrow as a teacher, School Life, Signal Academy, Signal for Help, Silly, Slice of Life, Swearing, mild drug use, not entirely serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 00:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21778609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eikaron/pseuds/Eikaron
Summary: A work week in the life of Qrow Branwen, teacher at Signal Combat School and high-functioning drunk (usually at the same time).[ETA: Updated tags because I realized some people might want to avoid certain topics altogether even if it's in a borderline crack fic. My apologies to anyone who read stuff they didn't want to!]
Relationships: Brief mention of Qrow Branwen/Original Male Character
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, canonically Qrow was a teacher at Signal. It's not entirely clear for how long or until when though when Ruby tells Ozpin about him she talks about Qrow being a teacher in the present tense. We know he goes on missions for Ozpin while Ruby & Yang are in their first semester of Beacon and after and presumably has done so before, though I wonder how he made that work with his teaching post. Qrow being a drunk I wouldn't be surprised if he just regularly missed classes but I'm thinking Oz must have used his influence to let him keep his teaching post at Signal though for what reason is everyone's guess. Either Qrow made a deal with him – I spy for you if, you make sure I can stay close to my nieces – or Oz wanted him there as a contact. In Volume 5 Qrow mentions he “quit teaching for a reason”. My best guess is that he quit once his nieces both went to Beacon because after this there was no point in staying anymore considering that he a) didn't like it b) Oz probably needed him full-time anyhow. Whether this is better or worse for the students, who knows? Of the two of them - Taiyang & Qrow - Tai is definitely the nice one. He'd have high expectations, but he'd be also be kind and understanding; the sort of teacher you go to when you need help. Qrow is the kind of teacher you go to when you're in really deep and possibly illegal shit and have exhausted literally all other options...
> 
> ANYHOW. This fic was 100% inspired by this picture brought to you by ABD ILLUSTRATES (https://abd-illustrates.tumblr.com , https://www.deviantart.com/abd-illustrates), which is hilarious and totally something Qrow has done at some point. Have fun!  
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Qrow opened the door on the third try, dragged himself through the short hallway and collapsed onto the sofa in the Xiao Long living room with a groan, putting his arm over his eyes and not even bothering to take off his shoes. That had been one long motherfucker of a day.

He was greeted with a loud shout of „Uncle Qrow!“ by his niece Ruby, who rushed out of the kitchen as if she hadn't seen him in years, flung herself over the back of the sofa and immediately started telling him everything about her day in a flood of words that washed over him like the waterfall of combat school gossip that it was.

„Hey Uncle Qrow!“

Yang, fourteen and slightly less of a chatterbox, poked her head through the kitchen doorway for a moment to wave at him before she went back to setting the table. He raised a hand in her general direction.

„Dinner will be ready in a minute!“, Tai called over sizzling sounds coming from the kitchen. „Good timing!“ Qrow's stomach grumbled in agreement. It smelled amazing.

„Are you okay, Qrow?“, asked Ruby concerned and he realised he hadn't even looked at her yet; an unforgivable sin. He lifted the arm from his face to smile at her and ruffled her hair.

„Yeah, I'm okay, kiddo. I'm sorry. I just had a fuckin' bad week, 's all. You wouldn't believe all the shit that happened to me lately.“

„Are you gonna tell us all about it at dinner? I mean how would you know we wouldn't believe it unless you told us?“, Ruby asked him in a mixture of excitement to hear his stories and sympathy for the pathetic condition he was apparently in. He chuckled, already feeling a bit better. Friday night dinner with his nieces was his favourite part of the week.

„Sure, kid. I'll tell you all the inappropriate stories from this week.“

„Yesss! Inappropriate stories are the best!“, exclaimed Ruby loudly and punched her fist in the air, then whispered “Sorry, Uncle Qrow” when he winced at the volume.

~*~

„So I gathered you didn't have the best week“, said Tai once they were all munching contently on their roast meat.

„Mhm.“

„Wanna tell us about it? Obviously I know what happened with the school inspector on Wednesday– speaking of which: You owe me! Big time“, said Tai with a scowl and pointed an accusing fork at his friend. Qrow sighed resignedly.

„I'll never hear the end of this as long as I live, will I? And it was Ruby who saved my ass.“

„I sure di~d!“

„Yeah, but only because _I_ held her up for fifteen minutes with useless chatter! I bet that woman thinks I'm a total tool now!“

„You've always been a tool, Tai”, said Qrow with a grin and, when Tai kept scowling at him, followed it up with an annoyed eye roll and drawled: “Fine. Drinks tomorrow? No hang on, I already got plans there. Day after?“

„That's Sunday, Qrow.“

„So?“

„So we have to _teach students the next da–_ stop giggling you two!“, said Tai with an exasperated look. „There is nothing funny about your uncle being an irresponsible drunkard!“ This of course only prompted more giggles. It didn't help that Qrow had pulled out his flask while Tai was still speaking.

„Tell us what happened with the school inspector, Uncle Qrow“, said Yang, still laughing. „I mean obviously Ruby and Dad told me about it, but I wanna hear it again.”

„I thought you wanted to hear _everything_ about my crappy week?“, said Qrow. „Including the inappropriate parts“, he added.

„We do!“, exclaimed Ruby, barely able to sit still.

„Then the school inspector will have to wait, 'cuz that was on Wednesday“, said Qrow, raising a finger. „I'll have start with Monday. No hang on, actually I'll have to start with last _month_ , y'see, because that was when I had this really good date...“

Tai closed his eyes, rubbed his forehead and prayed for patience. With Qrow here, constantly undermining his authority and thwarting all his attempts to bring his daughters up decently he might as well give up for the night. He dug into his mashed potatoes and roast meat with the silent agony of a man who knew he'd lost the fight long ago.

„Can you at least _try_ to keep it kid-friendly this time?“, he asked without much hope.

„Yeah, yeah. Sure“, said Qrow, waved a hand dismissively and took another sip from his hip flask before putting it away again. „Anyway. As I was saying: last month, your old Uncle Qrow had a date“, he began and leaned forward conspiratorially, looking back and forth between Yang and Ruby.

„With whom? Someone we know? What's her name? Or his name? Where did you go? Will you go on another date?“, asked Ruby immediately.

„Relax, kiddo. I'll get there“, said Qrow and winked at his overexcited niece who obediently shut up and started shovelling peas into her mouth at high speed instead.

„It was a guy, his name was Fern and I met him on a dating site“, he said.

„ _You're_ on a dating site?!“ Yangs' eyebrows threatened to go through the roof.

„Occasionally“, said Qrow carefully, catching the murderous look Tai was shooting him across the table and leaving it at that. Ruby looked as if she was about to start asking follow-up questions, and so he quickly plunged into the rest of the story.

„So, I met him for a drink at the bar”, Qrow began, the others needing no further clarification as to which one he meant. Patch had a grand total of three bars and only two that even deserved the name, at least according to Qrow. By age-old mutual agreement Signal students went into one, their teachers into the other.

“Long story short, we really hit it off and I went home with him“, he told them all with a mischievous grin.

„Qrow!“, said Tai exasperatedly, crossing his arms.

„What? It's important to the story, okay?“

„You said kid-friendly!“

„They're not toddlers anymore, Tai. They can handle it!“

„Ewww no we can't, that's gross Uncle Qrow!“

“Can you all calm down, I wasn't planning on going into details!“

„Whatever. Did you see him again?“, asked Yang.

„We...went out a few times”, he recounted with a pointed look at Tai, who approved of this no-doubt sanitized version of events. “Nothing serious, but it was nice. Until- but that part doesn't happen until this Tuesday. Gotta stay in the right order.“

He chuckled when his nieces protested.

„Okay then, so what happened on Monday?“, asked Ruby, hopping up and down impatiently, but then even Tai was getting curious against his better judgment.

“So, Monday...”, said Qrow and then - because he loved being a bit of a bastard - made a show of spearing a piece of roast and chewing it very slowly while everyone glared at him.


	2. Monday

Qrow approached his prey with all the stealth and silence of an experienced Huntsman.

„I thought smoking on campus was prohibited“, he said calmly, hands in the pockets of his slacks and looking coolly at the two boys huddled behind the tree.

They almost jumped out of their skin, guilt and panic spreading over their faces when they realised it was way too late to hide the 'cigarette' they were sharing. Qrow raised an eyebrow at them.

„You're way too young to be smoking. Especially _this_ kinda thing“, he said with a scowl, took the offending object out of the smaller boy's hand and extinguished it on the tree.

„Empty your pockets”, he told them. The boys complied hesitantly, shooting each other frightened looks.

Qrow looked at the items in his hand: a lighter, cigarette paper and a bag which still held a bit of green.

“I'm confiscating this”, he said sternly. Then, upon noticing the absence of what logically should have been in their pockets too but hadn't been, took a closer look at the joint. He threw his head back with an overly dramatic sigh and put it in his chest pocket.

“You didn't even use proper filters! Boys, if you're gonna get high at least do it in a way that doesn't kill your lungs. Now bugger off before I change my mind and don't let me catch you again.“

„Yes, Mr. Branwen. Thank you, Mr. Branwen“, they said meekly and scampered off as quickly as they could.

“And buy some damn filters!”, he yelled after them, shaking his head. Kids these days.

Qrow waited until they were well out of sight before he casually leant against the tree and surreptitiously scanned his surroundings. No one there. When he strained his ears and didn't hear anything either he fished both the lighter and the joint he had just confiscated out of his pockets and relit it. It was damn good stuff, too. He internally cursed himself for not having thought of searching their backpacks.

* * *

„ _You did_ what _?!“_

„ _Ahaha, Uncle Qrow you're so badass!“_

„ _Stop laughing Ruby! Qrow, you're setting a bad example for my daughters!“_

„ _Please. As if you've never pulled stunts like this, Tai.“_

„ _I have not!“_

„ _Really? What about the taco incident?“_

„ _That was_ 9 years ago. _Not to mention a completely different situation! Have you ever heard of 'growing up'? You should consider it some time.“_

„ _Naw. That's boring.“_

„ _What's the taco incident, dad?“_

„ _There was no taco incident, Yang.“_

„ _Aw, come on, man; it's a great story!“_

„ _There. Was. No. Taco incident. I think you were talking about your reckless drug consumption, Qrow. Carry on.“_

„ _Ye're a killjoy, Tai.“_

* * *

Qrow glanced at his watch. Still plenty of time before lunch break was over. He closed his eyes and inhaled with pleasure. Sometimes being a teacher had its upsides.

„ _Mister. Branwen.“_

Qrow flinched violently and almost dropped the joint in his hand when he heard the scathing voice of Melitta Green, school counsellor and his personal nemesis. Apparently he was getting old, if he hadn't noticed her approaching.

„You're supposed to be in a staff meeting right now! And where do I find you instead? Gallivanting about the school grounds, _smoking!_ cigarettes I can't wait to tell the headmistress“, she huffed. „Maybe she'll finally see sense and kick you out. Now put that out and get a move on, they're all waiting for you! Honestly, you could at least turn your scroll on occasionally.“

Qrow had no choice but to sulkily slouch after her and get chewed out all the way up to the teacher's lounge on the third floor, although he rebelliously refused to put out the apparent 'cigarette' for as long as possible; determined to enjoy it until the last moment even on the risk of burning his lips.

Like always he tuned out most of her ranting but occasionally he heard things like 'disgrace to the school', 'don't know why they're keeping you' or, as they were winding their way through clusters of students on break, 'setting a bad example for our students with your irresponsible behaviour and open substance abuse'.

That last bit took the cake insofar as while she was loudly going on about this for everybody in a ten mile radius to hear she was not only gesturing at the two boys he'd taken the weed from (they turned white as sheets when they saw the joint still in his hand so Qrow ostentatiously took a pull and mouthed 'you owe me' as they passed them) but also an older girl who he knew was a dealer (he'd promised not to tell provided she stopped selling on school grounds and in return she always kept a stash of proper painkillers for him in her locker). In his opinion the students managed to be bad examples just fine on their own, he thought and flicked the dog-end on the ground before entering the school building. No sense in pushing his luck too far.

After the staff meeting, another lecture by Headmistress Zhang-Li and being assigned the planning of three field trips with the worst class of the school who no one wanted to take on field trips, he had five minutes left to eat lunch but no lunch because the cafeteria kitchen had already closed until dinner.

* * *

_Ruby stared at him wide-eyed._

„ _Poor Uncle Qrow! That must have been awful! I know how much you hate field trips”_

_Yang on the other hand looked thoughtful._

„ _I didn't know people were selling drugs at our school“, she said as if it had never even occurred to her before, which it probably hadn't._

„ _Don't. Even. Think about it.“, said Taiyang between gritted teeth and glared at Qrow, who shrugged and scraped the last bits of mashed potatoes from his plate without a care in the world._

„ _Hey, they're gonna find out eventually.“  
  
When Tai looked about ready to murder him, he added: "Uh, no, but seriously, girls: Stay away from drugs."  
  
Tai did not look convinced._


	3. Tuesday

Qrow loathed Teacher Meet & Greet Day with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. He tried to get out of it every year but so far had never been successful except once, when he had been genuinely sick for two weeks and even Melitta Green hadn't had the heart to drag him to school while he was nearly coughing his lungs out.

It wasn't that he thought it was a bad idea per se – it gave the parents of the first year students a low-key opportunity to get to know the names and faces of the people who were going to be teaching their precious little snowflakes, ask questions or check out the other parents. There were usually free drinks and sandwiches.

The whole thing would have been fine were it not for the fact that he was expected to actually _talk_ to the parents, no matter how annoying they were. _And_ it was one of the few days a year where Headmistress Zhang-Li _insisted_ that he show up sober. She had even confiscated his flask.

Oh well. It was only for a few hours, Qrow thought as he sipped from the champagne glass in his hand (no one had said he had to _stay_ sober). Even if this sparkling wine was a piss poor substitute for Whiskey.

Snippets of a conversation carried through the room from somewhere near the buffet. He heard a male voice say: „Look honey, there's Mr. Branwen and he's free!“

Drat, he thought, not turning around in the vague hope they'd get lost on the way to him and simultaneously scanning the hall for somewhere he could plausibly need to be or a colleague he simply _had_ to talk to right now.

„Oh...er...but we don't even know if Silver will be in his class, do we? Weaponry is one of the subjects where it's not set yet, isn't it?“

The other man seemed reluctant and his voice sounded vaguely familiar but he couldn't immediately place it.

„So? It can't hurt to talk to him. She might be in one of his classes later on. Come on.“

Qrow straightened up, knocked back the remaining contents of his glass and mentally prepared himself for the inevitable.

„Excuse me. Mr. Branwen? May we have a moment of your time?“

He turned around and it was a good thing he had already swallowed the wine or he would have likely spit it all out again. He had not mentally prepared himself for _this._

„Er, yes. Yes, of course“, Qrow said, quickly bringing his face under control again and hoping the other man hadn't noticed the weird expression. He was short and stout, with a slightly receding hairline and a charming smile.

„My name's Mist, Oscar Mist. And this is my husband, Fern. Pleased to meet you.“

His husband, on the other hand, was the man he'd been sleeping with for several weeks.

„Qrow Branwen, nice to meet you“, he said and shook both their hands, locking eyes with Fern who looked as if he'd quite like to jump off a bridge right now.

* * *

„ _Whaaaat? Seriously?! No way!“, shouted Ruby and started laughing so hard she nearly fell off her chair._

_Yang was banging her hand on the table, trying to catch her breath again along with her father who was cracking up next to her._

„ _Yes way“, said Qrow with a mildly pained expression, pouring coffee for him and Tai. He shook his head. “And no it was most definitely not an open marriage; Fern looked like as if he'd kill me on the spot if I so much as opened my mouth.”_

“ _Well what happened? What did he say?”, asked Yang while Ruby, clearly torn between sympathy for her uncle and snickering, ultimately succumbed to snickering.._

“ _No idea. Can't remember a thing any of us said. All I could think of was 'please, please, please don't let the kid be in my class'“, he added, to even more laughter of his family._

_Qrow put two sugar cubes in his own cup, then added a bit of milk to the other and handed it to Tai, who had tears in his eyes and was still trying to stop laughing and merely nodded gratefully._

„ _I mean talk about awkward!“, said Qrow, leaning on the kitchen counter and stirring his his coffee. „I know once I see this kid all I'll be able to think about is 'Oh hey, it's the kid whose dad I'm banging”, he said, gesticulating with the spoon. “Well,_ was _banging. Definitely will never bang again since I just found out he's married. Eh, sorry 'bout that kid. Shit happens” He shrugged theatrically. “If I were you I'd prepare for a divorce though, just in case.' Imagine teaching her several times a week for the next year.“_

_He shuddered and slurped his hot coffee carefully._

„ _Come on, Qrow, we're all adults! Surely you can handle this“, said Tai optimistically, blowing on his cup before drinking._

„ _Do you wanna have parent-teacher talks with your accidental affair?“, asked Qrow, raising his eyebrows. „Or his husband?“_

_Tai considered this and had to admit that on a list of things he'd like to do this was most certainly not on it._

„ _And the husband was such a nice guy!“, said Qrow, topping up his coffee with Whiskey under a dirty look from Tai. „I felt really bad for him!“_

„ _Couldn't you talk to the headmistress about it?“ asked Yang who, unlike Ruby, had recovered from her laughing fit. „I mean, if their daughter does end up with you.”_

„ _You nuts? Zhang-Li hates me!“, Qrow spit out. „She'll assign the kid to my class right away!“_


	4. Wednesday

The scroll simply would not stop ringing. After another 15 minutes of trying to ignore it Qrow finally gave up, groaned and rolled out of bed, cursing everything he knew for placing the scroll out of reach.

He didn't even look at the name, just picked it up and grunted “Who is this and what is wrong with you” then nearly toppled over when Ruby's voice blasted out of the speaker at a volume he hadn't thought was even possible on a scroll.

“UNCLE QROW WHERE ARE YOU?!”, she yelled.

“Wha- Ruby is that you? What's wrong? Did something happen?”, he asked, suddenly alert and wide-awake.

“NO, but dad is going to kill you if you don't show up at school RIGHT NOW! Did you forget the school inspector's coming today?” He had. “She's already here and I've been trying to reach you for ages!!”

“Shit!”, he cursed. “Shit shit shit okay I'm on my way! I'm on my way. Thanks, kid”

Qrow had never gotten dressed so fast in his life. He was already on a more or less permanent probation and now there was a new school inspector who was not as susceptible to Oz pulling strings as the old one. If he didn't manage to convince her that he was sober, punctual and reliable, his teaching days might actually be over.

He'd practically have to fly to make it in time. 

* * *

“ _Yeah, I've wondered about that. How_ did _you get to the school so fast?”, asked Ruby._

_Qrow exchanged a glance with Taiyang._

“ _Oh, you know. I have my ways”, he said casually. “Can't tell you all my secrets, now, can I?”_

_His niece harrumphed, pouting, but thankfully did not ask further questions._

* * *

Ruby was on pins and needles, pacing back and forth in their classroom, biting her fingernails. When she'd peered into the hallway five minutes ago, the inspector had still been in the adjacent classroom – her dad's – but for how much longer?

She raced to the window again and to her immense relief saw a tall dark figure racing towards the building.

“I can see him!”, she exclaimed.

“Ruby!”, hissed her classmate Tea from across the room. She had taken up hallway duty. “She's already half-way out the door! Your dad's holding her up but Branwen can't come up the stairs now, she'd see he's just arrived!”

“Oh no oh no oh no what do we do”, said Ruby panic-stricken. “Oh I know! Everybody back to their seats!” While the rest of the class scampered and seated themselves in orderly fashion she quickly opened the window just in time to see her uncle running along below her, heading for the main entrance.

“Uncle Qrow! Uncle Qrow!”, she called in what she hoped was a loud enough voice to catch his attention but not so loud it would be understood through the almost closed classroom door. She could hear the muffled voice of her dad waffling about something, but wasn't able to pick out out any actual words, so hopefully not.

Qrow skidded to a halt and looked up.

“Ruby!”

“Don't take the stairs, she's in the hallway already!”, she hissed. “Up here!” Their classroom was on the fourth floor but Qrow merely nodded and jumped. In accordance with Ruby's frantic waving he made sure he couldn't be seen from one of the hallway windows, which meant climbing up several meters away from the classroom and then having to inch his way on the sill to the correct window with his back pressed to the wall.

“Well, I really must be going now...”, they heard the inspector say exasperatedly, “I do have other classes to visit and of course I don't want to keep you from teaching either.”

Qrow scrambled through his classroom window as quickly as possible and landed silently on his feet.

“Of course, of course, I am so sorry, didn't mean to hold you up for so long”, came Tai's voice followed by an embarrassed laugh and then approaching footsteps.

Qrow hastily straightened up, brushed a few errant leaves he had somehow collected off his clothes and ran a hand through his windswept hair. There was a knock on the door and just as soon as he had turned his back to it, it opened to reveal a short, dark-skinned woman in a suit. The class collectively held their breath.

Qrow didn't miss a beat.

“Yes, thank you, Ruby. You can sit down now. And I think we've had enough fresh air”, he said loudly and closed the window.

Someone cleared his throat and said “Excuse me?”

Qrow looked over his shoulder, pretending to have only now noticed the newcomer.

“Hu- oh hi, you must be Ms. Gossin, the school inspector! My apologies, I didn't hear you come in”, Qrow said jovially and strode across the room with his hand outstretched.

Ms. Gossin shook it energetically.

“No worries, Mr. Branwen”, she said. “I'm intruding in the middle of your lesson after all! Lessons I have heard _so much_ about by the way. Please, carry on normally. I will just be a fly on the wall”

The inspector smiled pleasantly and sat down on a chair that had been placed in a corner of the room for just this purpose. Her expression betrayed nothing.

“Right. Right”, said Qrow and turned to his class who were all sitting up and looking at him in a way that might have passed as rapt attention to a casual observer but was in reality an extremely valiant effort to not burst out laughing.

“Er, where were we?”, he asked with a pleading look to Ruby, who was beaming at him from the first row and immediately raised her hand, but Gossin interrupted him before he could call on his niece.

“Excuse me, Mr. Branwen. My apologies, if I may cut in for a second – I couldn't help but notice you are carrying your weapon. Do you usually do this even in the classroom?”

Her tone indicated that she thought this was at the very least odd if not outright suspicious. Huntsmen were hardly ever without their weapons but unless it was a practical exercise even they were at least putting them in a locker or leaning them against a wall somewhere while they were teaching.

“Oh! No. No, of course not”, Qrow assured him. “Not normally, no. I was, uh, I was just demonstrating something”, he said confidently, his brain racing desperately to come up with something plausible within the next five seconds. The inspector cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh is that so? May I ask what you were demonstrating?”

“Mr. Branwen was just talking about the importance of carrying your weapon the right way and in the right spot!”, Ruby piped up excitedly before anybody else could say anything. “How and where you fasten your weapon to your body is incredibly important for your health because obviously it shouldn't put too much strain on your back and spine when you carry it around but also during battle because it influences your center of mass and depending on the form or weight this can really make a huge difference to your balance and speed and whether or not you can dodge a potential attack”, she chattered on excitedly, all the while looking at the inspector with her eyes shining full of enthusiasm for Mr. Branwen's class and not stopping for breath once.

“Yes, exactly! Excellent explanation, Ruby, well done. As I was just showing you with my own weapon, balance is incredibly important”, continued Qrow, immediately grasping for the lifeline thrown to him and mentally awarding his niece at least three of the outrageously expensive Super Special Sundae's from her favourite ice cream parlour. He leaned against the teacher's table with his arms crossed and kept talking nonchalantly as if he were just naturally coming back to their topic after a short interruption. Gossin was nodding along and taking notes.

“As you've seen, the straps holding my weapon are set up in a way that distributes the weight as evenly as possible over my whole body” He casually drew Harbinger from his back and held it up. “Additionally, it's built as a collapsible, so it's easier to carry and doesn't move around too much. It's actually a scythe”, he explained to the inspector and activated the mechanism. Everyone watched Harbinger unfold under whirring and clicking sounds. “But scythes are not exactly easy to handle and they are long. If I carried it on my back like this, I'd be constantly off-balance. Can anyone tell me why?”, he asked the class. “What's the physics behind it? Yes, Yvonne?”

Qrow managed to carry on like this until the lesson ended forty-five minutes later. The difficult part was _starting_ to bullshit your way through a class but once you got going, it was easy. You just had to roll with it and never stop talking.

* * *

_Tai put his hands over his face and groaned._

“ _I can't believe you climbed through the window! When Ruby texted me to hold her up I thought you were already in the classroom and just needed some more time to look presentable! Good thing I didn't know this.”_

“ _Well I_ was _in the classroom by the time Gossin came in.”_

“ _And you seriously didn't have anything prepared and just bullshitted your way through the_ entire _lesson?!_ ” _,_ _said Tai disbelievingly.._

“ _Come on, Tai” Qrow actually sounded a bit hurt. “It's not like I'm completely useless as a teacher.”_

“ _It's true”, agreed Ruby. “And the stuff you told us wasn't half-bad at all, it was actually really interesting. Nice job, Uncle Qrow!”_

“ _Nice job providing me with a topic, kiddo”, said Qrow and fist-bumped her. “And I guess I should thank the rest of the class too... I think I had more class participation in that lesson than I usually have in a month”_

“ _Yeah, I'm kinda surprised they didn't give you away”, said Yang and cocked her head. “I'm not sure I would have managed to keep quiet and not start laughing all the time”_

“ _Hey, the kids just love me”, said Qrow and grinned. Tai scoffed._

“ _Yeah, about that, Uncle Qrow...” Ruby tapped her the tips of her index fingers together shyly and shrunk in her chair a little bit._

“ _IkindapromisedeveryonethatyouwouldtakeusallfoutoricecreamthisweekendatSky'sIceCreamiftheyhelpedsaveyourbutt”_

“ _You WHAT?! Sky's Ice Cream? The_ entire _class_? _Do you have any idea how expensive-” Qrow broke off and took a deep breath. “You know what, never mind. I owe you. I'll do it.”_

_He massaged his forehead. Genetics or not, his niece was definitely taking after him._

“ _I take it I'm invited, too?”, asked Tai innocently._

“ _Shove it, Tai.”_

“ _That's a yes, then.”_

“ _Cool, so we're all going to Sky's Ice Cream!”, said Yang._

“ _But you didn't do anything”, protested Ruby._

“ _But I know what happened, so Uncle Qrow better bribe me. If I don't get ice cream I might get all sad and talk to the headmistress about how unfair my family is...”_

“ _You kids are the death of me”, groaned Qrow. “Or at least the death of my wallet.”_


	5. Thursday

Qrow stumbled into his morning class about half an hour late. Unsurprisingly his students were for the most part still there – they had long since learned that not telling anyone Mr. Branwen was late _again_ meant more time to catch up on homework, sleep, play cards or do anything else their prepubescent hearts desired, provided it was sufficiently quiet.

He plopped down in his chair in front of the class, groaned and grabbed a notebook off the table. He replaced it with his feet, leaned back and put the notebook over his eyes to block out the light. The susurration of the students' conversations died down.

„Alright students, I have a hangover. Who can tell me what that means?“

„It means you're drunk, Mr. Branwen.“

Qrow didn't even look to see who had volunteered the answer but from the voice he thought it was the little purple-haired punk, the self-appointed class rebel. He kinda liked her.

„ _Wrong._ It means I was drunk _yesterday_ “, groaned Qrow. „...but yes I am drunk“, he added as an afterthought. „Now could somebody please turn off the sun.“

The sound of shutters mercifully going down pierced through Qrow's throbbing head like a drill in a dust mine but the light went from a brilliant kill-me-now to a tolerable shade of twilight.

„Thanks“, he mumbled and squinted out from under his notebook. Much better. „Y'all got stuff to do? Homework or somethin'?“, he asked.

There was a general murmur of agreement accompanied by nodding or shrugs. The overall consensus seemed to be that one could find something to work on if one was inclined to do so.

„Good. Then do this. No lights. No music. No loud talking. Wake me up when the lesson's over, if anyone asks I was here the whole time“, he said and was out like a light.

* * *

_Tai buried his head in his hands._

„ _Oh, Uncle Qrow“, said Ruby, sadly shaking her head._

_„Hey, I told you it was a crappy week. And I needed this after the stunt with the inspector“, said her uncle, although he at least had the decency to look mildly ashamed._

* * *

By lunchtime Qrow had recovered enough to actually teach his afternoon class. Unfortunately it was the 2B; his least favourite one. Actually, that was slightly unfair: most of the kids were quite alright. They simply had the misfortune to share a space with Brandon Fillion; the most annoying, entitled, snotty, spoiled little brat in the entire school.

He hated the damn kid and the feeling was mutual. It didn't help that Brandon's parents surpassed their child in each of his more unpleasant characteristics by at least two orders of magnitude and were constantly in his face about everything from Brandon's grades to why Brandon didn't deserve the detention he'd given him for bullying a younger student to why Qrow ought to have been fired a long time ago (though this was in all fairness a sentiment shared by a number of parents).

Qrow mostly tried to ignore Brandon whenever possible, intervening only when the boy saw it fit to be a royal pain in the ass to other students. 1 Or at least that's what he would have done if Brandon had not made it his professed goal to constantly push Qrow's buttons in a hundred sneaky ways without technically crossing a line.

Today, however, was different. Today, Brandon Fillion would find out how just far he could _really_ push Mr. Branwen.

Thursday was usually set aside for practical weapon exercises so the lesson took place in one of the gym halls. Qrow had them working on their stances first – not an easy feat when he was still not quite sober himself but he managed – showing them how it was done and then going around applying corrections when necessary. Once they had that down (more or less) he continued with lunging and a few other simple moves, putting them together in groups of three or four and assigning each group to one of several small chalk circles he'd quickly drawn on the hard ground of the arena.

„On my command I want everybody to do the moves we just practiced. Nothing fancy. Stick to the basics“, Qrow explained as he handed out the plastic replicas they would be using before switching to real weapons after the warm-up. „And I want to see everybody moving _at all times. Without_ hitting your teammates“ _,_ he said. The faces of several students fell visibly.

He walked around while he talked; his red eyes scanning over the class and once again checking everyone's postures and stances.

„Cuz' when you're fighting in a team, you don't just pay attention to yourself. You need to be aware of where all the others are too and what they're going to do. And since we also don't want t'get separated, I want y'all to stay in your circles. Step out of it, you're dead. Any questions?“

„Mr. Branwen, I have a question“, rang Brandon's voice.

„Yeah?“, grunted Qrow, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, and corrected the position of Amanda's arm. „Don't hold it too high“, he said to her.

„Why don't you ever show us how to fight?“

Qrow turned around and frowned.

„What do you think this is, Brandon?“, he said and jerked his head to indicate the class scattered around him.

„Yeah well, you're showing us stances and a few swipes but that's hardly what I call combat!“, said Brandon loudly. „We've never actually seen you _fight_.“

„And?“, asked Qrow sharply, putting away his flask. He had a hunch where this was going and boy had Brandon picked the wrong day for this.

„So, I've wondered if you even _can_ fight“, said Brandon provocatively, looking directly at Qrow. The class went completely silent. All eyes were on them. „I mean you're supposed to be this great huntsman but you're just drunk all the time.“

Oh, the arrogance of youth. Qrow put his hands in his pockets, walked up to Brandon and said calmly: „So you think you can do better, huh? Think you can beat me?“ He raised his eyebrows.

Brandon didn't answer immediately but to his credit didn't waver either

„Yeah, I think I can beat a drunk man“, he spit out at last. The kid had pluck, Qrow had to admit grudgingly.

„How about a sparring match then, Mr. Fillion?“, he asked sweetly and tilted his head back. „A little show for your classmates. Or are you scared of this old drunk guy?“, he added and smirked.

Brandon's eyes hardened. He'd show Branwen.

„Ready when you are, Mr. Branwen.“

„Then go get your sword“, said Qrow and jerked his head towards the side of the arena where everyone had left their own weapon. Brandon's was a short broadsword with a mini gun in the handle. As a prototype it wasn't great craftsmanship yet but it was working and this was what counted here.

Qrow raised his voice to the other students.

„Well, you heard it, folks. Our good friend Mr. Fillion has challenged me to a fight so we're interrupting this lesson for a little sparring match. Everyone else: off to the sides!”

They stood facing each other, the other students sitting or standing in a big half circle around them, whispering to each other. The tension was almost palpable. Brandon, who was wearing the protective clothing they used for sparring with real weapons, had drawn his sword. His brows furrowed he looked more determined than ever to show everyone what a loser their teacher was. Qrow on the other hand stood at ease, hands locked behind his head and the scythe still at his back.

„Tell you what“, he said and smirked at Brandon. „This seems a bit unfair to me. How 'bout I bind one hand behind my back 'n have another drink. A little handicap, eh? Whaddaya say?“

Brandon looked furious. Qrow felt slightly pathetic for a moment – he was goading a thirteen-year old for goodness sake – but the feeling didn't last long. He'd never been the most mature of individuals and this brat had had it coming to him for a long time.

Qrow procured the hip flask from his pocket and emptied it, then waved another boy, named Gray, to him and handed him a short elastic rope he'd found among the training utensils. Qrow then twisted his right arm behind his back and let Gray fasten the hand to his scythe's holster.

Once Gray had hurried back to the others, Qrow set and activated a protective shield around their makeshift arena and turned to Brandon.

„Ready?“, he drawled.

„I'm ready“, the boy said curtly, all focused. Qrow smirked and waved his free hand in a 'come at me' gesture.

Obviously he wasn't going to truly hurt the kid; merely take his ego down a notch. He could end this fight with a single blow if he wanted to, but he'd had it with the little shit and if Brandon wanted a lesson then Qrow would teach him one he wouldn't soon forget.

At first he didn't even use his weapon when Brandon charged at him, merely avoiding the boy's comparably clumsy swipes effortlessly.

„Is that all you can do?“, he taunted.

„Fight back!“, growled Brandon through gritted teeth. He didn't dare to literally insult his teacher but Qrow heard the unspoken 'you coward' nonetheless.

„Pff. With your sloppy footwork, I don't need too“, said Qrow with a smug grin, casually dodged another stroke and then kicked Brandon's ankle at just the right moment. The boy caught himself before he fell but his attention was diverted for too long.

Brandon never even saw the first blow coming. His teacher's sword hit him square in the chest with enough force to knock the air out of his lungs and cause him to stagger backwards, fighting to keep his balance. Qrow waited until he had steadied himself enough to pay attention again. Only when everybody's eyes were on him did he stand back and activated the mechanism to switch his weapon from sword to scythe. The clinking sounds it made when it unfolded to it's whole deadly glory echoed through the arena like a declaration of war. He saw Brandon swallow and knew the other students were holding their breath. Qrow's eyes were glinting scarlet. He pounced.

His strike came way too fast for the thirteen-year-old old to even think of parrying it. Qrow held back at the last second, the scythe's blade passing Brandon's forehead just close enough to cut off the tips of his bangs and let him feel the draft. They boy's face blanched and Qrow could tell it was in this exact moment that Brandon realised just how in over his head he was. Which was way too late.

In a real fight it would have been bloody slaughter. As it was, Brandon would merely be full of bruises, but this was a combat school after all. This was what auras were for.

All in all their match lasted hardly ten minutes but to Brandon they were some of the longest of his life: his teacher playing with him like a tiger with a crippled mouse. Not only did Qrow deflect everything Brandon threw at him with one-handed, arrogant ease and casually returned a much harder blow of his own for every five from Brandon (Qrow made sure to count them out loud), he also kept leading them in a nice little circle so everybody could get a good look at Brandon's sloppy footwork (pointed out and demonstrated at regular intervals) from different angles.

At last several precise smacks on Brandon's arm and wrist with Harbinger's handle knocked his weapon out of his hands. It fell down with a clatter and skittered over the arena floor out of reach, while Brandon himself stumbled and landed hard on his back. He wanted to get up but before he could even try Qrow was already over him; merciless and inexorable, drawing back his scythe for one last strike like the Grim Reaper himself. The boy's eyes widened in fear when he saw the blade rush down towards his face in a perfect arc and he tore up his arms in a feeble attempt to protect himself.

There was a sick chopping sound when the scythe buried itself into the ground, followed by the loud beep of a scroll signalling depleted aura. For a few seconds nothing happened, then Brandon slowly dared to lower his trembling arms and look up at Mr. Branwen towering over him, leaning on the handle of his scythe. He hadn't even broken a sweat.

„You got enough, kid?“, he asked calmly, cocking his head and raising his eyebrows. Qrow felt slightly guilty when he saw how Brandon was shaking; he hadn't actually meant to scare him that much _._ He felt even more sorry when he caught sight of the boy's pants. Maybe he'd overdone it a bit.

The boy sitting on the floor merely nodded, his eyes still wide, his breathing ragged. The other students meanwhile were cheering and talking excitedly amongst themselves, not few of them looking at Mr. Branwen with a newfound respect.

Qrow unbound his arm, collapsed and sheathed Harbinger, then finally deactivated the protective shield. Once he'd done this he turned to the rest of the class: „And this, kids, concludes today's lesson: Never underestimate your opponent. Even when he's drunk. _Especially_ when he's drunk. Got it you lot?“, he bellowed.

„Yes, Mr. Branwen!“, the class chorused.

„Alright. I think that's enough for today. Class dismissed!“, he said loudly and then with the raise of a ringed index finger: „Not you, Mr. Fillion, we're gonna have a little chat.“

With a hand on his hip Qrow watched the other students shamble away until they were definitely out of earshot before he looked down at Brandon who was still sitting on the floor.

„Get up, kid“, he said and jerked his head. Brandon slowly climbed to his feet without looking him in the eyes. His face and ears were scarlet red.

„You got anymore classes today?“, asked Qrow softly.

„Yes“, said Brandon quietly, still looking intently at the floor. „History with Mr. Parks and Basic Armoury with Ms. Quicksilver.“

„Hm. How long does it take for you to go home?“ There was still about half an hour of his class left.

„A bit over an hour“, mumbled Brandon.

„Damn. Well I guess even if you could go home your classmates might notice if you suddenly wore different clothes.“ Qrow bent down slightly and tried a comforting tone with moderate success: „I suggest you go home, get changed and consider yourself done for the day.“ Brandon lifted his head and looked at him in disbelief. Apparently he had expected to be mocked or worse.

„I'll make up something for the other teachers and write them an apology. Do try to come up with a convincing story for your classmates until tomorrow though...and let me know, so we can get our stories straight. Got it?“

„Yes, Mr. Branwen“, said Brandon, a far cry from the arrogant, cocky boy he had been twenty minutes ago. „Um. Thank you“, he managed. „And...and I'm sorry.“

„Forget it“, said Qrow. „See ya tomorrow, Brandon“

* * *

„ _You made a 13-year old pee his pants“, Tai stated flatly and crossed his arms. Yang was laughing again._

„ _I made a 13-year old pee his pants“, sighed Qrow._

„ _You are officially the worst.”_

„ _It was an accident! I didn't do it on purpose, okay?!“, protested Qrow._

_Tai glared at him and Qrow knew what he was thinking. You don't think your semblance might have something to do with it?, said his glare. Qrow threw back a look that said: peeing your pants isn't bad luck, Tai. Tai's lips tightened microscopically. It is if you are thirteen! Qrow scowled at him. Shut up Tai, I'm already feeling bad about this._

“ _Well, you can be kinda scary, Uncle Qrow...”, giggled Ruby, like Yang completely unaware of the silent exchange that had just taken place._

“ _At least you didn't rat him out to his classmates. I can think of few things worse for a boy that age”, Tai said and sighed. “Honestly, Qrow.”_

“ _Why does everybody keep treating me like I'm a huge asshole?”, the other man complained._

“ _I don't think you're an asshole, Uncle Qrow”, said Ruby._

“ _Me neither. I think it was pretty awesome”, agreed Yang and laughed. Her dad just sighed._

“ _Thanks kids. But... keep it quiet about Brandon alright?” Qrow paused thoughtfully and then added: “Speaking of quiet – he has been wonderfully silent today. I'm thinking I might have shut him up for good so maybe I shouldn't feel too bad.”_

_Qrow tipped back his head as far as he could so he could get the last drops out of his flask._

“ _Sometimes being an asshole has its benefits”, he concluded._

* * *

1  Because of actions like these Qrow had, unbeknownst to him, actually acquired a reputation for being a teacher who took bullying seriously, something which could not be said about the headmistress. This was reason enough for a number of parents to very adamantly not want to see him fired, drinking or not; a fact which persistently came up during evaluations. However, since Headmistress Zhang-Li firmly refused to divulge any details of said evaluations to the staff, everyone – including Qrow – remained completely oblivious to this and the fact that he should have the vocal support of any parent, let alone several, continued to mystify them all.


	6. Epilogue

“Anyone want dessert?”, asked Yang, placed a huge bowl of raspberry ice cream on the table and then shook an even larger bag of chocolate chips in front of her sister's face temptingly.

“Like you even need to ask”, chuckled Qrow, as she handed out spoons to him, Tai and a positively salivating Ruby.

“Gotta admit”, said Tai, scooping ice cream into smaller dessert bowls, “that was a crappy week. Did anything happen today, too?”

“I broke a table.”

“That doesn't sound so bad compared to the rest of the week”, said Yang, licking chocolate chips off her spoon. “How?”

“I, er, got mad and slammed my hands down on it. Guess it must have had a crack already or something. And as for 'not so bad'... well. It was the desk in Zhang-Li's office.”

“Shit!”, exclaimed Yang.

“Oh no!”, said Ruby, anxiously covering her chocolote-and-ice-cream smeared mouth with her hands.

“Yeah. And, uh, you know that little glass figurine of a Nevermore she always keeps on her desk? That was practically sacred to her? Let's just say she _kept_ it on her desk.”

Tai winced, leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed and screwed his eyes shut.

“Ouch”, he hissed. “How long are you on cafeteria duty?”

“Yeah, she hasn't actually given me an end date...”


End file.
